27.Tomboy. Hair Dye. Tattoos. Piercings.
It’s a really fucked up thing. Someone comes into your life and tells you everything you want to hear. You know deep down that it’s all bullshit and lies, yet you ignore every warning. You push those doubts far away so you don’t have to face them. They are always there. Always nagging at the back of your mind. You tell yourself you are wrong, that people can change. It’s all in your head right? You’re reading too much into things and being too negative. Every fiber of your being is screaming at you, but you don’t listen. You try your hardest and give all of yourself to someone. Someone you think is going to give you the same in return. You lose friends, people you’ve known for years. You give up all of yourself in hopes that it’ll be kept safe. Every fear, every insecurity. You convince yourself it’ll get better. And you watch yourself slowly slip away waiting for it to change. You lose all of yourself trying to help another person that you thought would do the same for you. That moment of change never comes. You convince yourself it’s something you did. Something fucked up within your own self. You try everything to change it. You spend countless hours lost in thought forever spiraling further down into the darkness. You make yourself crazy trying to fix things. Trying to do everything you can and it is never enough. You’ve been lied to, screamed at, told all the things you aren’t. You’ve been used, broken, spit on and left to the wayside like you never mattered at all. You’re left surrounded by all the pieces of your former self. All of the pieces of the last six years of your life that you threw away for nothing. Every piece is a daily reminder of how stupid you are. How small and worthless and pathetic you are. You knew it all along. You try to make sense of what is left. Try to put the pieces back together. You still believe that change is possible that even though all of this bad shit happened it can still be turned around. Then it hits you. That blinding, undeniable truth that you were right. Every lie you heard to try to fix and cover up what you already knew. All those nights you cried yourself to sleep lying right next to someone who never cared. Feeling more alone than ever. All those pills you had to take to stop yourself from collapsing into total despair. All those thoughts that smothered any hope you had left. All those agonizing minutes that you spent in a psych ward trying to understand why it wasn’t the other person in your place. I gave you everything. A place to live, a car to drive, a job, money because you never deemed it important to spend it on anything other than yourself. I gave you my life, my family, my sanity and my heart. None of it mattered. None of it was worth anything to you. I wasn’t worth anything to you. You used me. You ruined me. You turned me against my own self to save your own worthless ass. You preach all this bullshit daily about treating people with respect and wanting everyone to feel loved. How people need to man up. How important face to face interaction is. How gentleman should treat women. It’s fucking pathetic. I wonder if you even realize how much of a liar you are. How disgusting and low life of a person you are. Or is it something that you aren’t even aware that you do anymore because that’s who you are. You’ve done this so many times to countless women. I hope all that makes you feel like a big man. The rest of the world knows what you are no matter how hard you try to convince them otherwise. I hope one day you have a daughter and some guy does exactly to her what you did to so many. I hope you choke trying to comfort her. I hope then and there you realize just how disgusting and awful of a person you are. How all of it is your fault. All of the pain is because of you. You do not get to ignore this and pretend it never happened. You don’t get to move on and be happy. You’re not capable of being happy. You’re only capable of lying and cheating and deceiving. You are worthless